Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"YES, when..." An Antidote for Parent Child Power Struggles

From networkedblogs.com
In a recent comment I received to one of my posts, as a follower wrote about the hurdles she faces with her two year old who just discovered the power of "no!"  Those of us who have survived the "terrible two's" can look back, smile, and nod knowingly, not missing this particular stage of toddlerhood.

Personally, I loved the terrible two's because each day offered something new.  My approach to the "NO!'s" was to present my kids with a counterbalanced "YES" saving the "NOS" for really important times (from toddlerhood through teenhood, especially through teenhood). Granted, we did have some headbanging, hair tearing, door slamming (teen tantrum), fit throwing moments, but time has kindly wiped most from my memory and we all moved on. Also, because my husband and I are relatively low keyed people, we did not scream, which meant that for the most part, our kids did not scream either. 

The "YES, when" and other "NO!" Counter-balancing Suggestions:
  • When their no's are playful, play too. With toddlers, in particular, sometimes their "no's" are more word play than power struggle. Sometimes. When they're playful, reply with your own playful 'laughing' "NOOOOoo"  Laugh, distract them. Chances are, you'll end this with a final yes and hug.
  • When their 'no's' are serious, offer alternatives. Look at it as brainstorming and problem solving - two really important skills they need to learn and use. Granted, sometimes there isn't time to analyze, problem solve and brainstorm, but doing it efficiently and effectively ends up saving time in the long run.
  • I, personally, am not above some 'cognitive tom-foolery'... Distraction's and key!


  • Sometimes instead of "no"  use "OK, but first...."  or "Yes, after..." or "Yes, when..."

The YES rationale: When your child counters a demand/request with "no"-  have a suitable, acceptable alternative handy.  Not only does this "yes" alternative distract and neutralize their "no" - it also encourages them to contemplate alternatives, it models creative problem solving, and it empowers both sides.  It can turn a head-bashing deadlock into a win-win situation.  The challenge is in creating the "YES" alternatives.  For suggestions, some of my previous blog posts may be helpful:
"Options, Shining Opportunities, Opening Worlds at http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/04/options-shining-opportunities-opening.html
"Looking at the World from Another Perspective:  Richard Feynman Style at http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/looking-at-world-from-another.html 

YES - Think about this:
  • When headed into an argument -  "NO" is a power struggle word... we want to avoid those confrontations and save them for the really important arguments we need to win.  
  • Say "YES" with qualifiers ("Yes, when..."  "Yes, but after/before..."  "Yes, but with..."!...)  This way you are teaching them HOW to get what they want while accomplishing and doing what they have to do AND providing often needed structure and limits. 
  • Childhood is our opportunity to shape and teach our kids.  Sometimes the best way to do this is to encourage them to take (safe or calculated) risks, and to allow them to learn from mistakes.  So before saying 'NO' ask yourself if this is a mistake you can live with and one they can learn from.  If the answer to this question is 'no' then your response has to be "NO." IF, however, your response to this question is yes or even maybe, look into the NO alternatives.




When you have to say "NO" To Toddlers and Younger Children: There are clear times we have to say "no" to our young children.  These times involve safety issues, and basic essential school and social issues.  Any time the yes/no line is not crystal clear, go to the problem solving, distracting, 'negotiating' alternatives.  For those essential NO's:
  • Use them with consistency - no running in the street ever... no running in the house with scissors or knives ever... no hitting other kids...These are always rules - not just sometimes;
  • When possible, explain why you are saying no, what the consequences can and will be,  and allow them to brainstorm what might be more acceptable.
  • Mean it - we all know the "no" look and body language.
  • Offer alternative behaviors, options, and means - this will help them with problem solving and it will help avoid confrontations and power struggles - empower them with acceptable alternatives they can chose from.  This not only teaches positive problem solving, it empowers safe risk taking - something they must learn how to do and navigate throughout their lives.
  • Show your kids that it is the action you are against and that you love them. 



And, when you have to say "NO" To Teens:

With teens the YES/NO line is no longer so black and white.  Teenhood is a time of learning and asserting independence; it is a time they have to learn to live comfortably in their own skins and a time when we as parents have to give them a longer rope to live by.  We have to chose these NO's carefully.  Too many no's here will push them further away sooner then either of you are really ready to cut that rope...but consequences to mistakes are greater, which makes this gray area grayer.  Here too ask yourself:  Are the consequences of his/her actions ones I can live with and he/she can learn from?   Take out your scale here and measure both sides and remember to chose your NO's wisely. Failing and mistakes are not always a bad thing - painful, yes, but they can be powerful learning experiences that can serve your teen well.

The bottom line is that we have to pick and chose our yes' and nos'.  How do you balance them?    Please let us all know in your comments!

42 comments:

  1. My daughter started NO at 18 months. The twos actually weren't that terrible.
    She's pretty good at 7, except when she's overtired.
    CAN'T WAIT for the teen years.

    ROG, ABC Wednesday team

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  2. I always use the classic "We'll see" They know now that that usually means no!

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  3. Wow, I wish I'd have had your advice when my children were growing up! Excellent ideas. With my eldest son (who I strongly believe has Aspergers, we would definately use 'opposite' thinking, e.g. if we wanted him to play outside to get some fresh air we'd say: "Sorry, you can't go outside today." That always did the trick! We also saw a wonderful psychologist with him who taught us some 'creative parenting techniques.' One of the them I did consistently once the children could write, was to get them to explain why they said something, (such as: 'you're the worst parent in the world!') They usually ended up crying and saying sorry, but in the meantime they had their thoughts, often funny, out on paper. I kept every single one of those papers!

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  4. Yes is a wonderful word. No can be a downer. I'm not a parent, but I have used similar lines of thinking you outline in managing my staff. Still I must giggle: my husband has the habit of starting a sentence with the word no... Neither of us know why that is (although he tends to be the half empty glass guy while I see everything half full)... but while it bothered me at first, after decades together it's become a joke we laugh about. He's not stopped doing it though!

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  5. Good post. Yes is an important word to use with children and also to ourselves. It's easy to think of reasons not to do something but sometimes it's fun to say yes as much as possible.

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  6. Wonderful advice. Like a few of the others, I wish I would have had this ammo when my kids were tackling the twos. Never too late to learn...especially since grandchildren are right around the corner for me!

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  7. The problem is: I can say no to children, but not to adults. It landed me in nasty situation, losing a lot of money.

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  8. what a great tips:) thanks for this info..happy to be here, informative blog..found you from Dhems Diaz blog! followed here..see you around!

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  9. Hello, these are good advise..nice site here that is worth visiting:) good day!

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  10. Great parenting tips!

    I played too. Mine are here and here.

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  11. Wise words Meryl. The open yes and the closed no was an interesting clip, never thought of it like that before.

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  12. winsome tips.
    bless you and your family.

    HAPPY abc wEDNESDAY.

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  13. Great advice - lots of wisdom here and I would like to pass it on to my grandchildren and know that they would consider all these alternatives. Thanks for a wonderful post Meryl.

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  14. I can see the sense in what you say, but I recall how easy it was to slip into "No!" as an automatic response with my kids!

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  15. Yes, I agree. . .it opens many otherwise closed doors.
    Nice choice for today!

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  16. As an author of "How to Break 10 Common Childhood Myths", I can totally agree with your post. Our 1st myth that children begin to believe is "No Means Yes" because parents cave in. Even if the subject isn't important, changing your mind about a 'no' confuses the kids about when boundaries are really boundaries! We tended to use 'maybe' a lot, then if they complained we said 'the maybe can always be a no instead' ...those were the days!
    http://childhoodmyths.net/blog

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  17. Excellent advice! I'm a huge fan of "yes, but first . . ."

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  18. No seems to be an easy first word with some kids, LOL... I like your suggestions esp with comedic engagement, it does work easier when it is fun. as teens I fine tuned my strategy by picking my battles with them. Which things were more important to but heads with. I had lots of less stress with them.

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  19. Yes I say, "No" too much! I'll work on that!

    http://theapels.blogspot.com/2011/07/wordless-wednesday-in-dog-house.html

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  20. I grew up with so many "No's" that I stopped trying...living in a dysfunctional family made me try harder with my own children. Apparently, they think I did okay considering all that went on in our lives when they were young.

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  21. Some wise advice here! It's been a long time since I've dealt with no, or yes, issues.

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  22. Excellent post and great advice!

    Have a great week.
    Barb

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  23. Great advice and insights, for sure. As for me, I don't think I have anything sagely to offer by way of teens. Mine is 19 now and I still don't think I have a handle on it, but fortunately, he is maturing!

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  24. My two-year old is saying "no" now, but I'm glad. I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with him because he only shoke his before.

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  25. Thanks for the visit! I'm glad that you enjoyed my sunflower painting!

    Hope to "see" you again.
    Barb

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  26. I was with a two-year-old on Saturday who was having a fine time saying 'NO' to her daddy. She was playing with the word and enjoying herself.

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  27. Love the video about saying "NO" to toddlers. I have two tots so this is very helpful.


    My ABC, please come and see.

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  28. When raising my children (all 6) I really followed the "choose your battle" and "never ask a yes or no question." Instead of asking if they want to get dressed, I asked them to choose what they wanted to wear. Great tips and insight!

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  29. awesome tips...very informative...thanks for sharing!

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  30. Following from Welcome Wednesday Blog Hop...love your blog! Stop by - http://www.blended.typepad.com

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  31. We are using distraction and re-direction as much as possible with our 12 month old. I lone the "yes, when...." suggestion!

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  32. This is so cool! What an awesome blog you have!!!! Great, practical advice!

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  33. A few months after Peanut turned two, I told her it was time for bed. She answered me with, "No ma'am." We volleyed back and forth with Yes, ma'am/No ma'am for a few minutes and I had to laugh at the tone and inflection in her voice! This is great information for all ages. And as Pam says, "Choose your battles" ... especially with the teens! Thanks.

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  34. My son gave his first emphatic "NO" to a request of mine the other day...threw me for a loop because I wasn't expecting it! I'm trying to be cognizant of when I say "no" and finding other ways to redirect instead. I'm trying to save "no" for safety situations and at other times either redirct/distract or the "X is not for Y, it's for Z" phrasing (i.e. - Couches are not for jumping on, they're for sitting on. If you'd like to jump, you may jump on the floor."

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  35. These are great tips. I am having some difficulties with my toddler tantrums now.
    I can use your list about saying no :)

    Thanks!

    My last post: Ways to Decorate Your Child’s Room

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  36. Mom of 22-year-old girl with mild autism here: She was so darned smart, she tried to rationalize everything from an early age, to bargain, etc. Finally it became me saying, "No." Her asking, "Why?" Me replying, "Because." My heart goes out to all parents on this issue, which really never ends. Thx for the practical advice, Meryl! Amy

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  37. AGREED. I often used the "YES when..." like
    them- "Can I have a cookie?"
    me- "Yes you can have a cookie after lunch"

    also toddlers need to be given more independence, I think. They are learning they have abilities and can communicate and reason and have opinions (to a very small degree, but still-)- yet they are often still treated like a baby with no opinions or ability to debate or do more things.

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  38. My husband asks why you can talk nicely with your friends, and you always argue with me?

    I was fortunate not to live behind such bars, LOL. We had the option of living in a High Rise Condo with elevators, or a low rise 4 to 5 storeys where I had to climb the stairs. I didn’t want to be stuck in a elevator if it broke.

    In deed, my 60 something friends were stuck in an elevator for 6 hours. In another case, when they were fixing the elevators, it was either a lock in or lock out.They gave the notification, on Sunday, we are fixing the elevator from10 am to 5 pm, at this time , you either stay out or stay in.

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  39. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love this and completely agree. What great advice for parents. Also love reading about the teen years since most of my experience is with younger children. Now following you on GFC

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