Deaf Ears? Or Teaching Our Kids How to Listen?

From: crosswalk.com

I had another post ready for this week, but as I sit hear reading the Sunday New York Times, another, possibly more pressing issue hit me:  Deaf Ears.  As the US  (and possibly the world) economy unravels and our political systems appear ineffective - our leaders seem to have blinders and deaf ears.


The article "Amid Criticism on Downgrade, S.&P. Fires Back" The article details that:

"The day after Standard & Poor's took the unprecedented step of stripping the United States government of its top credit rating, the ratings agency offered a full-throated defense of its decision, calling the bitter stand-off between President Obama and Congress over raising the debt ceiling a 'debacle'...Initial reactions from Congressional leaders suggesting that S.&P.'s action was unlikely to force consensus on the fundamental divide ...  Politicians on both sides used the decision to bolster their own long-standing positions...Officials in the White House and Treasury criticized S.&P.'s move as based on faulty budget accounting..."

MSNBC reported that  the White House is now blaming the Tea Party Republicans for this mess.  What bothered me most (aside from the overall economic and political "debacle") is that neither Congress nor the White House address the "debacle"  or assume any responsibility. Instead they are "bolstering" their own long standing positions, are arguing with "accounting," and blaming others.  


Blinders and deaf ears!

I am, however, neither a politician nor an economist.  I am a parent and educator and as I read this I realize how difficult it is for all of us to hear, accept, and address things we would prefer to ignore (or blame others for), and how important it is for us as 'responsible' adults, parents and educators to teach our kids to 'listen' to lessons and other opinions, especially when they are difficult to 'hear' , to learn how to assume responsibility, and to respond with veritas.


How to teach kids to avoid the blinders and deaf ears:

• First and foremost we have to model appropriate behavior.  We have to listen to them, and don't interrupt them as they're attempting to explain their perspectives.  
• We have to hear why they may not want to accept what we say and acknowledge their feelings.
• We have to help them recognize our perspectives and problem solve resolutions. 
• We also have to teach and model compromise.

How do we help them hear what they don't want to accept?

• When faced with a potential argument, speak calmly and ask your child to elaborate why they're upset (see this previous posting for more details: http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/07/power-of-argument.html)
• Model - show (don't just tell) your kids how you appropriately  approach things you don't want to hear. Model compromising, when appropriate.
• Brainstorm on how to listen better. Teach and model how to pause, process, think, respond; how to use and respond to eye contact; and not to use subjective 'feeling' words when responding.
• Read books, watch news clips and together - talk about how characters may not want to face the issues.  Discuss why and brainstorm how to make them more effective listeners.
• Illustrated books, comic books, and visual clips are effective because you can analyze what is said with body language and facial expressions (which don't necessarily reflect what is said).  Understanding these social nuances is important and these visuals help.

Play listening games together:

Telephone - requires a number of players: one person whispers something to the next who whispers the message to the next person, etc.  The last person in the chain must repeat the message (which often is completely garbled) 

My grandmothers trunk - requires a number of players: The first person begins, "In my grandmother's trunk I found an ______ ("A" word such as alligator).  The next person repeats what the previous person found and adds another item to the trunk, beginning with the next letter of the alphabet.

Going on a picnic - requires a number of players: The first person begins, "I'm going on a picnic and bringing an ______ ("A" word such as apple).  The next person repeats what the previous person is bringing on the picnic and adds another item to the picnic basket, beginning with the next letter of the alphabet.

Work in pairs (for home or school) and have each member of the pair talk for one minute in response to a question.  The other person must listen and report back later what was said.  Each member of the pair takes turn as listener and talker, and each must later repeat their partner's response.

Watch, read, and discuss related content together.  Have some fun - listen to the Monty Python clip above, for example,  from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."  Try to find all the ways the father is not listening to his son. Next, find all the ways the guards fail to listen to the father. Then brainstorm on how the father and son might be more effective in getting his message across.

In closing I hope you enjoy these two clips from 1776  as we deal with our current state of affairs (which haven't actually changed much, have they?):

Are you a good listener?  What do you do to get others to 'hear' you?  I'd love to continue the conversation.

The Power of Argument

ar-gu-ment n. [ar-gyu-mehnt] 

1. a reason given in proof or rebuttal; discourse intended to persuade (Mirriam-Webster online http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument 
2. a coherent series of statements leading from a premise to a conclusion (Mirriam-Webster online http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument 
3. a reason or set of reasons given in support of an idea, action or theory (from http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/argument)

When I hear the word "argument" I think of the personal, verbal sparring I try to avoid - the personal kind where emotions (and often) voices are high, there is often some sort of confrontation, and while they may at times enlighten, they usually don't - instead they leave me emotionally spent (albeit often somewhat relieved).  In writing this, though, I realize that when I think of 'argument' I often think of 'fighting' BUT argument' does not need to entail fighting.

Furthermore, there is something to be said for arguments.  

Arguments offer

• opportunities for clarification, 
• opportunities for problem solving and brainstorming,
• opportunities to sharpen social skills,
• are the ground work for debate,
• and sharpen communication skills necessary to relay and convince

The key to arguing your point, be it intellectual or personal, is to:

• clearly and succinctly relay and express your position - addressing one point at a time, 
• control the emotional component to arguments,
• optional (but equally powerful and important):  add some humor or related vignettes, making it easier for listeners to comprehend, internalize and acknowledge  (albeit not necessarily agree with)

As Monty Python so aptly put it:

"An argument is a collective series of statements to establish a definite proposition...it's an intellectual process"

So with the argument clinic behind us, enjoy this Python classic example of argument which  further illustrates its intellectual component as well as provide superb examples of literary devices such as metaphors, alliteration, palindromes, puns and personification:

I realize now that while I was raised by parents who avoided confrontations and as a result tend to shy away from arguments, there is something to be said for them - at least for those arguments whose purpose it is to clarify, expand, explore and define scientific,  intellectual, social, or verbal nuances about the world around us.

There are times though, especially in interpersonal relationships and parenting, when arguments aren't intellectual or humorous.

Dealing with non-intellecutal, non-humorous arguments (to avoid a subsequent fight):

• try to keep an authoritative not authoritarian voice;
• focus on one topic at a time;
• keep the argument concrete - focusing on the issue(s) and not on making personal / emotional judgements - don't name call, curse, or add negative emotions to what should be a discussion;
• when arguing with your child be consistent but add options and compromise opportunities (avoiding power struggles) ;
• take and give time outs where neither side speaks - avoiding saying things that will be regretted, while calming tempers (but don't just walk out or turn a back - explain that you need time to think this out or to cool down);
• acknowledge feelings while disagreeing with positions (it's amazing how far and how important it is to separate feelings from the reality of the situation while validating or at least acknowledging those feelings)
• recognize that there is a difference between fighting and arguing - while fights often involve anger and rarely lead to consent, arguing can be healthy ... cool down fights.

How do you approach arguments? For fun or self-reflection you may want to learn more about your arguing style.  Psychology Today offers a 43 question (20 minute) "Arguing Style Test" and while it is really for arguing with partners rather than with kids, they are informative:

• http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1299 
• An abridged test (10 questions, five min.): http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2982

[Note: I found the first more informative and second link interesting  but not all that insightful.  The positive thing about these tests are that the questions themselves teach better 'arguing']

Let me know what you think - about arguing, how you argue, or your thoughts on these links.

Reasoning

Reasoning relates how we generate one idea from other(s).  We reason when we:

• brainstorm, 
• consider and explain cause and effect,
• compare and contrast, 
• problem solve, 
• figure out how to best relate our ideas and opinions to others, 
• or even when conducting a witch trail (like Monty Python in the video attached).

Philosophers such as Pythagoras, Plato, Descartes, Hobbes, Maimonides, Locke, Hume Rousseau, Kant, Hegel and Nietzsche have all contributed to the discussion of  reason. I, however, approach it from a developmental psychology perspective, specifically from that of Swills psychologist, Jean Piaget.

While Piaget is more well known for his stages of cognitive development, what most appeals to me is his theory of how kids begin to reason and construct levels of understanding:

According to Piaget, reasoning involves "assimilating" (or incorporating) new information into our existing 'schema' (or rules of understanding).  When we face something we can't define, predict, or understand, we enter an (uncomfortable) state of "disequilibrium".  When in this state we try to tweak and work out inconsistencies until they make sense.  Piaget termed this process reflexive abstraction as we reflect, compare, contrast, reason rehearse, and rearrange facts and observations to reach a more comfortable level of understanding. 

As we reason and build understanding we will either:

• ignore what we can't understand, OR 
• construct newer levels of understanding, incorporating more aspects of the problem we face to accommodate the conflicting information. 

Sometimes this new understanding will hold over time, sometimes it won't.  These states of disequilibrium are where effective learning, reasoning, and constructing understanding take place.
Piaget provides a famous "conservation" experiment to show how kids construct knowledge.  This is best done with kids ages 5-8 who are beginning to go beyond the obvious or "concrete" and begin to "abstract," factoring a variety of aspects including those which are so obvious. 

From: sciencebuddies.org

WE BEGINS WITH A QUESTION:  In front of your child, measure a given amount of liquid, say 1/2 cup of water (using measuring cup  "B") and pour the liquid into a tall narrow glass "A" and another 1/2 cup into short wide glass "C".  Ask your child which has more - glass "A" or glass "C"? 

[Sound familiar:? How many times have siblings argued because you poured "more" lemonade or milk shake for one and not the other because you had different sized glasses?]

A young child (typically below the age of 7) will tell you that glass "A" has more because it is "taller" or "higher" or "more."  This is because younger kids will focus on one aspect of the problem, typically what they see.  In this case it is the height.  They do not look at volume.

So, to help them reason and grasp the concept of volume, Piaget would then have the child pour 1/2 cup of liquid from "B" into "A" and that same amount again from "B" into "C" asking again which has more, "A" or "C"?  If child still said "A" - because it is higher,  have the child write down the exact amount going into "A" and then "C" pointing out that it is the same amount.  Then ask why "A" still looks like more. 

Piaget might also play around with different glasses.  He might, for example add glass"D" (the same size as "C") and have the child pour the same amount that is in "C" into "D" - asking which has 'more" (with the child answering 'they're the same'). Piaget would then have the child pour the liquid from "D" into "A" and ask again which has more.  The point is to create a state of disequilibrium where the child begins to recognize that maybe "A" (for some reason) doesn't have more.  Through questioning and experimenting adults can help their child reason that it is not just the height of the glass but its width as well.

HOW DOES THIS TRANSLATE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD?
HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR CHILD LEARN TO REASON?  PRACTICE!  Talk and ask questions about the world around you:

• When walking outside ask why some robins have bright read breasts and others don't.  Why some mallard ducks have bright green or blue on their necks and others don't.
• Why do some birds have long beaks and others short ones?
• Ask why some streets have stop signs or lights and others don't.
• Ask them to predict things, ask why people they see in a movie or read about in a book do something unusual or silly.
• When driving in a car at night, ask them if they think the moon is following them?  Why?  How? What if one of you want in one direction, and your friend in another - would the moon follow both of you?  How?

You get the idea.  The trick, is to ask the questions and let your child think of the answers.  If their answers are not quite right, ask more questions to help them recognize other aspects of the problem.  Let them wrestle, reason, problem solve and brainstorm.

Requests:

• Please let me know if you'd like me to pursue this further, or if you have any other questions.
• In your comments, Please share the types of questions you ask your kids and please share their wonderfully funny responses.  Here are a few Art Linkletter collected over his career.

For further reading, here are some related blogs I've posted:

• "Options, Shining Opportunities, Opening Worlds..." http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/04/options-shining-opportunities-opening.html
• "Kicking Back a Bit...What's All This About Inference?" http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/kicking-back-bitwhats-all-this-about.html
• "INSPIRING:  Looking at the World From Another Perspective - Richard Feynman Style"http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/looking-at-world-from-another.html
• "On Creativity"http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2010/08/words-to-whys.html
• "Departing the Text 101:  Beginners Manual http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2010/07/departing-text-101-beginners-manual.html