Delayed Gratification and Impulse Control

From: bruceavery.me

In a recent post written at the beginning of this year I unabashedly gave four pieces of unsolicited advice (the best or the worst kind depending on your perspective- you can see for yourself at Advice...). One of my suggestions was:

"Help your kids learn to Delay Gratification: Our world moves so quickly.  Something happens, we immediately respond. Someone upsets you, you tweet about it or post something on Facebook. The problem is that as a result, kids in particular make bad decisions because they act reflexively - because they can, and don't necessarily think things through..."  

In this post, I hope to relay why this is so important and what parents can do to help.

To begin with...A person's ability to delay gratification relates to their ability to recognize the rewards of patience and waiting, while at the same time being able to practice impulse control, self control, willpower and self-regulation.

Why It's so Important: This demand for immediate attention, immediate results, immediate reinforcement and immediate gratification is prevalent everywhere:

• In my writing courses, my students frequently and impulsively press 'send' spending little to no time editing their work. As a result it often contains careless errors in spelling, grammar, sentence structure and word usage that detract from the often insightful comments they are trying to make.  Slowing down, editing, and attending to details before sending off the work (delaying the gratification that it's over and they can move on) can make a huge difference.
• Research shows that children who learn to delay gratification are better able to complete assignments (McComas, Jennifer J., Rehfeldt, Ruth Anne, Stromer, Robert. (2000) Designing interventions that include delayed reinforcement: implications of recent laborator Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis. 33, 359-371.)
• Often when bored and frustrated we eat to 'feel better' when sometimes instead of eating we should be waiting, or simply doing something we prefer not to do. Learning not to give in to immediate urges and needs can help.
• The need or demand for immediate gratification results in tantrums that might have been avoided.  This is true not only for young children. We increasingly see articles about inappropriate responses and demands for immediate attention in school and in the workplace. 

From: european-american.blogspot.com

Learning to delay gratification as children will help our kids as they navigate, home, school, social and work-related situations.

Teaching kids to stop, think, and delay reactions (and gratification) may stop them from impulsive mistakes they may later regret.

What Parents and Teachers Can do:

• Sometimes we have to say, "NO" - for more on this see: "Yes..when"...The Antidote for Parent-Child Power Struggles
• Help children learn to wait.  For young children this is often difficult to do, and to help them learn to wait (and avoid tantrums), you can tell them "no" but offer other, more appropriate alternatives.
• Model delayed gratification.  When things move too slowly or you don't receive what you want to receive, model how to more appropriately deal with delays and frustration.  For me, driving and getting stuck in traffic is the most difficult time to model these appropriate responses - I often shout to the vehicles in front of me - of course only my kids hear...and while I feel better, they don't and in those cases I am not practicing what I preach.  The point is that modeling appropriate responses and how to gracefully accept delays is really important.
• Reward and praise your children when they do control their impulses and behave appropriately. 
• Instead of always buying "extra's" for your child, pick one special item that you will help them save up for.  They can earn money from the Tooth Fairy, from doing extra chores around the house, and/or from saving allowance.
• Talk to them about the importance of waiting gracefully and/or accepting disappointments. After movies, when traveling, after reading books when this occurs, talk about it.  Talk about the frustrations characters experience and the different ways the frustration can and should be handled.

Here are a few of my favorite books and graphic novels where the characters must delay gratification and as such are excellent books to help begin these conversations, and model appropriate responses:

From: http://marvel.com/comic

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum - all ages (the book - illustrated by W.W. Denslow as well as the new graphic novel illustrated by Eric Shanower and Skottie Young - published by Marvel) is an outstanding example of how Dorothy must face challenges, fears and disappointments before returning to Kansas (not to mention the Wizard who must also wait).  In addition to simply reading this and discussing the need (and rewards) of delayed gratification, you may also want to read the original and the graphic novel and talk with your kids about the differences between the prose text and graphic novel stories.

 Rust: Visitor in the Field by Royden Lepp (Grades 4+). This graphic novel is about Roman Taylor who struggles to keep his family's small farm from failing after a war which took his father.

From: firstsecondbooks.com

Resistance, Defiance and Victory  by Carla Jablonski and Leland Purvis (Grades 5+) - a graphic novel trilogy is about life in occupied France during World War II.  The main characters must decide whether to collaborate with the Germans (to gain 'favors') or delay gratification and face rationing of supplies as well as struggle through the war without knowing whether their father has survived. Not only does this trilogy deal with delayed gratification, it also is a wonderful (historical) fiction story that accurately relates life in France in the late 1930's to early 1940's.

Americus by NJ Reed and Jonathan Hill (Grades 6+) is about a boy who has to wait to read a coveted book (which his mother is trying to ban from the library).

From: csmonitor.com

A Wrinkle in Time  by Madeline L'Engle (Grades 5+) available in prose text as well as graphic novel - is about teenager Meg Murry who along with her brother Charles Wallace and friend Calvin O'Keefe are transported through a "tesseract" (a fifth-dimensional wrinkle in time) to rescue their father.  Feel free to go to this link for lesson plan suggestions: Science Fiction: Skills, Chills and Thrills

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Zita Space Girl by Ben Hatke (Grade 3+) is a graphic novel about Zita who must travel to another world to rescue her friend Joseph whom she inadvertently sent through first. She must go through various trials and obstacles before finding him ad responsibly bringing  him back to their world.

From: childrensbookalmanac.com

Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes (Grades 5+) is about a budding silversmith apprentice in Colonial Boston who suffers a debilitating accident and must slowly discover a new path and fate.  Along the way he finds himself embroiled in the American Revolution.  Not only is the book about how Johnny faces mounting disappointments, it accurately reflects life in Colonial Boston.

Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse (Grade 4+)  is also about a child, in this case a girl, who suffers a debilitating accident shortly after the death of her mother, and here too learns to face life's harsh lessons with patience and grace.  This novel is written solely in prose and poetry and the author's use of language is breathtaking.


There are also fairy tales about delayed gratification you can discuss: Hansel and Gretel (where Hansel just cannot help himself and he begins eating at  evil witch's house) getting them into all sorts of trouble is one such story.

Delaying gratification is an issue we must wrestle with all our lives.  Helping our children develop coping skills and impulse control will help them now and throughout their lives.

How do you help your kids with this issue?  Please share this in the comments.

In the meantime, thank you for your visit and your shared comments.

Options, Shining Opportunities, Opening Worlds...

Options, Opportunities, Opening Worlds...That's what learning should be about.

Regardless of our kids' strengths, weaknesses and affinities - as teachers and parents it is our obligation to teach our kids to seek options in life - choices; to look at problems from multiple perspectives in the hope of finding optimal solutions; of allowing them to see a big, open world full of hope and opportunities. A mighty big order, but not intangible.

Some suggestions how:

• Look at the problem or the opportunity from multiple angles.  Brainstorm options.

We moved a lot when my kids were young and each stop they made decisions about schools to go to, activities to participate in, books to read, etc.  Don't get me wrong, my husband and I would 'stack the deck' so to speak - only offering choices we were comfortable with, but the choice between (acceptable) options was theirs.


In the Sesame Street video, cookie monster gets to chose between two bags of cookies.  It is the same amount of "cookie" - either many small cookies or one large one.  Even giving your child these types of options is empowering.

Knowing there are options, opens worlds and doors.  Knowing how to make decisions is a learned, acquired skill that requires practice and patience.  The more opportunities they have to observe you making choices and to practice their own, the more confident they will be and the better their decision making skills will be.

• Talk decisions out.

When making decisions - big or small - for yourself, you family, or your child - talk it out.  be they school options or dinner options, discuss them.

• visit schools, 
• visit potential vacation spots online what would they like to do (IF your comfortable with their involvement in this decision - you may just want to ask them which sites they would want to visit IF you go there)
• when shopping discuss options 
• organic vs. farmed vs. regular, pasturized vs. ultrapasturized, etc. 

Talk about the strengths and weaknesses of each option.  LISTEN to your child.  What does she like/not like?  Are these valid likes or dislike? If they are, acknowledge them.  If they aren't, figure out what isn't valid, explain it and discuss options.

There should always be options in life.  Help your children  comfortably discover and evaluate options.

• Read books and comic books, watch movies and videos that present various perspectives.  Here are a few suggestions:

•  Goodnight moon (by Margaret Wise Brown) and Goodnight Opus (by Berkeley Breathed)
• The Sons of Liberty comic book and Esther Forbe's Johnny Tremain
• Laika (graphic novel by Nick Abadzis) and October Sky  (by Homer Hickam)
• The Scarlet Pimpernel (by Emmuska Orczy), Les Miserable(by Victor Hugo),  and A Tale of Two Cities (by Charles Dickens)
• D'Aulaire's Book of Greek Myths and George O'Connors Olympians series (graphic novels). 

When you read different books on the same topic, or read a book and watch a movie on the same topic, talk about the different ways the same story was told.  Talk about the authors' options. 

• Network to find the best options and opportunities.  This is getting both easier and harder.  It is easier because things and people are so much more connected with the web, cellphone, etc.  It is harder because there are SO many options.  Always get references from people you know.

• Don't Overwhelm with options.  As I noted above, especially with young kids - stack the options.  Give them limited choices you are comfortable with.  First, you don't want to overwhelm them, you want to empower them, helping them to strengthen their problem solving skills.  Second, you don't want arguments, so if you can live with all the choices you are way ahead of the game. 

IF your kids do get overwhelmed with options:  Help break them down.  Help eliminate the poor options,  and tackle the better options together.  

One final IMPORTANT point:  Kids shouldn't make all the decisions.  They need structure and adults to model and help contain their world around them.  Pick and chose the opportunities and the options they have a voice in- at least when they're young. 

Options provide opportunities...seize them, guide them, shape them!  What are some of the options you provide your kids?  Please let us all know in the comments.