education vs. Education: The Difference is in Expectations

BACK TO SCHOOL: With our kids starting a new school year, it's time to evaluate just what they are getting.  Is it an  "education" or an "Education."

education involves teaching kids a curriculum set to meet state standards.  "education" is typically teacher (and test) driven and its relevance is often missed by the students. "education" involves teaching facts from a textbook and worksheets with scattered tests and projects, and studying for state/national mandated tests upon which funding is determined.  For example, as a school consultant a few years ago (in a city school I choose not to disclose), I noticed the students there were given sample state tests in math and reading every few weeks.  Those students were getting an 'education' because there was no time to 'play' with the material - no time to integrate aspects of the curriculum into their lives to make it meaningful or for it to come alive.  No time to depart the text or to take learning tangents along lines students were interested in.  There was only time to cover what was on the test and practice test taking skills.

Education involves teaching kids a given broad "liberal arts" curriculum with the expectation that they critically evaluate and incorporate that curriculum - evaluating how meaningful it is to themselves and others, and expanding upon that core curriculum.   Education involves a wide breadth of issues and sources (textbooks, original sources and texts, computer/internet sources, graphic novels and classics) that are student driven and teacher facilitated.  Classrooms are interactive, and involve critical thinking, critical reading, and creativity.  While state and national tests are a given 'reality' - they don't dictate the curriculum, classes or content. For example, when my son was in sixth grade, the teacher told them that the book they were reading was based on Milton's Paradise Lost.  My son was so taken by the book, he read Paradise Lost and the teacher asked him to make a class presentation about it.  My son was receiving an Education.

The difference is in our EXPECTATIONS - Expectations in what our kids can learn and accomplish; expectations in what should be taught.

Expectations of what our kids can learn and accomplish:  While these vary from child to child, one thing remains constant:  Set the bar low, achievements will be low; set the bar high and students will rise to those goals.  The key: making learning engaging and taking cues from your students to facilitate learning and meeting challenges and expectations. 

• IF they have NO trouble with the reading materials - increase the bar a bit.  Give them more to read; give them more to discuss; add depth and more analysis to the discussions; have them integrate more sources - using more extensive resources.
• IF they find the material challenging - first, evaluate what is the challenge and adjust accordingly.
• IF the reading material poses too great a challenge, switch it around a bit.  You may want to have them read fewer sources but notch up their critical analyses.  You may want to keep the reading material but provide resources to help them (for example: summarize what they will be reading BEFORE they read it; have appropriate graphic novels to complement the textbooks)
• IF the reading material is fine, but the lesson demands are too challenging - switch them around.  IF there is too much writing, make sure that they write a certain amount but supplement the writing with other activities (creating a video, an interview, a diorama).
• IF the class discussions are too challenging - ask the teacher to provide one or two discussion questions is advance that your student can prepare for (and be one of the first called on when the question is posed in class).  You may also want to record certain classes and review them together later.

In short, don't expect less from your kids and students - expect more, but monitor their work and their working process.  Tweak the working process - incorporating their strengths and affinities and involving multiple sources, resources and skills so ALL expectations are met.

Expectations of what should be taught: 21st Century Educational Leadership has some of the right answers.  They advocate for interactive, student driven education (that is meaningful and lessons that they can immediately relate to) with lessons that incorporate verbal, visual and technological literacies.

"Twenty-first century skills combining technology literacy, critical thinking, creativity and mastery of core subject matter are the lifeblood of a productive workforce in today's global, knowledge-based economy." - 21st Century Educational Leadership

This, however, is only part of the solution. Student driven education is essential - learning must be meaningful and relevant to students and they must play and interact with it.  However, there is something to be said about being well read... Being able to go into any social situation and join others' conversations - regardless of the topic.  Knowing classics in literature, philosophy, economics are as important as history, science and math.  Classic literature and philosophy represent where our ideas and ideals originated and are important in helping to determine and chart where we must go.  I firmly believe in integrating comics, computers, and classics. 

What do you think?  What type of education did you receive?  What type of education is your child receiving? How can we get our teachers to Educate (let me know if you want to continue this discussion)?

Deaf Ears? Or Teaching Our Kids How to Listen?

From: crosswalk.com

I had another post ready for this week, but as I sit hear reading the Sunday New York Times, another, possibly more pressing issue hit me:  Deaf Ears.  As the US  (and possibly the world) economy unravels and our political systems appear ineffective - our leaders seem to have blinders and deaf ears.


The article "Amid Criticism on Downgrade, S.&P. Fires Back" The article details that:

"The day after Standard & Poor's took the unprecedented step of stripping the United States government of its top credit rating, the ratings agency offered a full-throated defense of its decision, calling the bitter stand-off between President Obama and Congress over raising the debt ceiling a 'debacle'...Initial reactions from Congressional leaders suggesting that S.&P.'s action was unlikely to force consensus on the fundamental divide ...  Politicians on both sides used the decision to bolster their own long-standing positions...Officials in the White House and Treasury criticized S.&P.'s move as based on faulty budget accounting..."

MSNBC reported that  the White House is now blaming the Tea Party Republicans for this mess.  What bothered me most (aside from the overall economic and political "debacle") is that neither Congress nor the White House address the "debacle"  or assume any responsibility. Instead they are "bolstering" their own long standing positions, are arguing with "accounting," and blaming others.  


Blinders and deaf ears!

I am, however, neither a politician nor an economist.  I am a parent and educator and as I read this I realize how difficult it is for all of us to hear, accept, and address things we would prefer to ignore (or blame others for), and how important it is for us as 'responsible' adults, parents and educators to teach our kids to 'listen' to lessons and other opinions, especially when they are difficult to 'hear' , to learn how to assume responsibility, and to respond with veritas.


How to teach kids to avoid the blinders and deaf ears:

• First and foremost we have to model appropriate behavior.  We have to listen to them, and don't interrupt them as they're attempting to explain their perspectives.  
• We have to hear why they may not want to accept what we say and acknowledge their feelings.
• We have to help them recognize our perspectives and problem solve resolutions. 
• We also have to teach and model compromise.

How do we help them hear what they don't want to accept?

• When faced with a potential argument, speak calmly and ask your child to elaborate why they're upset (see this previous posting for more details: http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/07/power-of-argument.html)
• Model - show (don't just tell) your kids how you appropriately  approach things you don't want to hear. Model compromising, when appropriate.
• Brainstorm on how to listen better. Teach and model how to pause, process, think, respond; how to use and respond to eye contact; and not to use subjective 'feeling' words when responding.
• Read books, watch news clips and together - talk about how characters may not want to face the issues.  Discuss why and brainstorm how to make them more effective listeners.
• Illustrated books, comic books, and visual clips are effective because you can analyze what is said with body language and facial expressions (which don't necessarily reflect what is said).  Understanding these social nuances is important and these visuals help.

Play listening games together:

Telephone - requires a number of players: one person whispers something to the next who whispers the message to the next person, etc.  The last person in the chain must repeat the message (which often is completely garbled) 

My grandmothers trunk - requires a number of players: The first person begins, "In my grandmother's trunk I found an ______ ("A" word such as alligator).  The next person repeats what the previous person found and adds another item to the trunk, beginning with the next letter of the alphabet.

Going on a picnic - requires a number of players: The first person begins, "I'm going on a picnic and bringing an ______ ("A" word such as apple).  The next person repeats what the previous person is bringing on the picnic and adds another item to the picnic basket, beginning with the next letter of the alphabet.

Work in pairs (for home or school) and have each member of the pair talk for one minute in response to a question.  The other person must listen and report back later what was said.  Each member of the pair takes turn as listener and talker, and each must later repeat their partner's response.

Watch, read, and discuss related content together.  Have some fun - listen to the Monty Python clip above, for example,  from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."  Try to find all the ways the father is not listening to his son. Next, find all the ways the guards fail to listen to the father. Then brainstorm on how the father and son might be more effective in getting his message across.

In closing I hope you enjoy these two clips from 1776  as we deal with our current state of affairs (which haven't actually changed much, have they?):

Are you a good listener?  What do you do to get others to 'hear' you?  I'd love to continue the conversation.

San Diego Comic-Con 2011

I just got back from my first San Diego Comic Con and all I can say is WOW!!!

Wow - to the 140,000 + people there daily... to all the exhibits and panels...to all the freebies and cool promotions...and to the absolutely glorious weather!

I still wonder...How did I get to do something so cool? About ten months ago I was sitting in  my kitchen with my kids talking about blogging and literacy. Two of my three kids were preparing to go to the New York City Comic Con and I commented that as a literacy advocate and educator, I probably should give comics a second look - that maybe I should consider them a legitimate source of literacy and entertainment.

My kids' reactions:  "DUH!!!!!!: (Articulate, huh)

My son gave me Joe Kelly's I Kill Giants (for grades 5+ see previous posts for details) and I was blown away!!!!  I was amazed at the depth of the story, Kelly's creative use of metaphor, and the use of art to involve the reader.  My daughter hooked me into The Unwritten (a young adult book that weaves classic literature into a complicated mystery as the main characters fight to save the free-thinking world) and I attended the New York City Comic Con with them this past October.  In 2012 my book, "Teaching Content Area Graphic Novels" will be published by Maupin House Publishers.

So now, I have just returned home after sitting on a panel at the San Diego Comic Con 2011 where I had an awesome time talking to teachers and librarians on how to integrate comics and graphic novels into school libraries and curriculum. I am pumped to finish my book and am ready to start promoting my second book (more on that later).

The Bottom Line in a Nut Shell: Graphic novels are powerful educational tools promoting verbal literacy, visual literacy, social literacy and critical thinking.

• Their promoting literacy is obvious - they provide engaging entertainment as readers decode visual and verbal text. 
• Graphic novels promote social awareness as readers have to "read" facial expressions and body language as well as the text to 'get' the story.  This heightens their awareness of social cues.
• Finally, comics and graphic novels promote critical thinking as the readers have to construct motives, emotions, and events that occur between panels.  Furthermore, many graphic novels, like Kelly's I Kill Giants are rife with metaphor which further stimulates critical (and creative) thinking. 

So in Comic Con vain, I thought I would share three AWESOME graphic novels I got from the Comic Con:

Rust: Visitor in the Field (Archaia 2011) by Royden Lepp is set in the prairie lands of a unknown time and place, in a world that has survived a devastating war where robots were eventually built to fight instead of men.  Roman Taylor, the oldest son of the Taylor family is set with the responsibility of running a struggling farm in his father's absence. Jet Jones, being chased by a giant decommissioned war robot lands on the Taylor farm and Roman thinks Jet Jones and the decommissioned robot might be the answers to his struggle.  This is a beautifully illustrated story (in colors reflecting the Dust Bowl era of the 1930's) told through dialogue, flashbacks and letters to Roman's dad. This book can be used in social studies classrooms to discuss issues faced by farmers in the Dust Bowl era; the mechanics of war and fighting machines;  and the art of letter writing.  It is suitable for grades 4+. 20th Century Fox has picked up this novel and hired Aline Brosh McKenna (whose scripts include The Devil Wears Prada, 27 Dresses and  I Don't Know How She Does It) to adapt it for the screen.  Fox-based Simon Kinberg and Archaia's Stephen Christy and PJ Bickett will be the executive producers.



The Saga of Rex (Image Comics 2011) is illustrated and written by Michel Gagne - a veteran animator (who has worked for Warner Bros. and Disney/Pixar).  This is a beautifully illustrated adventure, science fiction, love story about a gentle-souled fox named Rex who is plucked from his world and transported to the planet of Edernia  where he meets all sorts of creatures, including his soul mate. This book contains some brief narration, but the story itself is told almost exclusively through illustration.  The text provided is well written and has advanced vocabulary.  While the illustrations are magnificent, cute and inviting (the young fox makes you think it may be for young kids), it takes some sophistication to construct the story and there is one scene that might be scary for young children.  I therefore recommend this book for older kids (middle school and older).  Finally, because there is so little text, reading this book presents a wonderful cognitive exercise as the reader constructs the story panel by panel, illustration by illustration.  For more information and a "look" into each chapter of the book, please go to: http://www.gagneint.com/Final%20site/books/Rex_saga/Rex_saga_main.htm.  [Note to teachers: As an educational exercise you may want to begin reading this aloud and have kids 'write' their own dialogue.]


 Zita the Spacegirl (First Second 2011) by Ben Hatke is a beautifully illustrated book about Zita who must rescue her friend Joseph who was reluctantly sucked into another world after warning Zita of the dangers of touching a 'meteor' that fell to earth.  Zita faces monsters, robots and magicians in her quest to save and return Joseph to their world.  This is appropriate for grades 3 +.  It is also a wonderful book to read aloud together.  There is so much to talk about! For a cool trailer you and your kids will enjoy go to: http://zitaspacegirl.com/  or view this trailer on youtube:

It blows my mind how far comic books have come and it boggles the mind to think of where books - graphic or prose will be in another ten years....but that's a different blog post!

I hope you enjoyed these clips and would love to hear from you.  In the meantime..

Here are some other posts to visit to read more about graphic novels:
http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/06/visualverbal-literacy-part-2-reluctant.html
http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/06/visual-vs-visual-literacy-no-contest.html http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/05/science-fiction-skills-chills-and.html http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/learning-with-laughter.html http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/kicking-back-bitwhats-all-this-about.html http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/01/great-reads-for-avid-4th-and-5th-grade.html http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2010/10/graphic-novels-at-home-and-in-school.html 

I would love to know what YOUR FAVORITE comics and graphic novels are!!!  Please leave them in the comments.

Boy O Boy.. A Blogging Award

 
I have been offered this award in the past and refused it. I hate chain letters (and chain blogs) but I am away at the San Diego Comic Con - presented on a panel - and am feeling 'chill'.  Also, I love Roger's Ramblin'With Roger blog (http://www.rogerogreen.com/2011/07/22/call-me-mr-versatility/) and when awarded The Versatile Blogger Awarrd reluctantly accepted it because I do think his blogs are a blast to read - full of personality and wonderfully entertaining tidbits. And, in all honesty, I also accepted it because being at this convention, I had little time to prepare a more substantial post (please check back in a few days)

In accordance with protocol, here are some facts to share (about me which I hope to relate to my blog's theme of parenting and education).  Following that will be some blogs I pass the award to:

1. When my kids were younger they were not allowed to watch television.  My husband and I would allow some PBS and educational videos and programming (Sesame Street, Mister Rodger's Neighborhood, Reading Rainbow, The Magic School Bus, Bill Nye the Science Guy and the one with the talking dog playing lead roles in classic books (am forgetting the name - but it was actually quite a lovely introduction to the classics - if any of you remember it, please leave it in the comments).
2. While I am writing a book about integrating graphic novels into the classroom (which I wholeheartedly support) until very recently I did not think they were fine examples of literature to be taken seriously.
3. My son gave me I Kill Giants by Joe Kelly to read once I admitted to him that maybe I should look into graphic novels and take them seriously.  I loved it, read some more and was seriously hooked into this literary format.There are some SUPER (educational -but don't tell them) graphic novels for kids and I will write more about it in my next blog - because I love them and because I am fresh from Comic Con.
4. I am watching Kung Fu Panda as I write this (sad, but true - my adult daughter and I are getting ready to leave California).  I just watched the scene where the Master learned how to teach the Panda to be the Dragon Warrior  by using his affinities (love for food) and his strengths of character.  It is a great lesson to us all!  There are all kinds of minds around us and we need to learn to reach each one in his or her own way.
5. It is my ONE YEAR Anniversary blogging.  
6. I was afraid to blog - even called myself a techno-dinosaur.  I have, however, met wonderful friends, LOVE the comments left on my posts, and am reading such wonderful posts from others that I can't imagine not blogging now.
7. Thank you all for your support and participation but PLEASE don't leave me any more awards.  I probably wont accept them and hate to disappoint you.

And now to pass to torch to seven other bloggers:

1. Planet Weidknech at - http://weidknecht.com
2. Keiths Ramblings at - http://keithsramblings.blogspot.com/
3. Mickeys' Simglemomdon at http://mikey-thesinglemom.blogspot.com
4. Faythe at http://grammymousetails.blogspot.com/
5. All Things Audry athttp://allthingsaudry.blogspot.com
6. My Digs 18 at www.mydigs18.blogspot.com
7. Well Dressed Cupcakes at http://welldressedcupcakes.blogspot.com

The Power of Argument

ar-gu-ment n. [ar-gyu-mehnt] 

1. a reason given in proof or rebuttal; discourse intended to persuade (Mirriam-Webster online http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument 
2. a coherent series of statements leading from a premise to a conclusion (Mirriam-Webster online http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument 
3. a reason or set of reasons given in support of an idea, action or theory (from http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/argument)

When I hear the word "argument" I think of the personal, verbal sparring I try to avoid - the personal kind where emotions (and often) voices are high, there is often some sort of confrontation, and while they may at times enlighten, they usually don't - instead they leave me emotionally spent (albeit often somewhat relieved).  In writing this, though, I realize that when I think of 'argument' I often think of 'fighting' BUT argument' does not need to entail fighting.

Furthermore, there is something to be said for arguments.  

Arguments offer

• opportunities for clarification, 
• opportunities for problem solving and brainstorming,
• opportunities to sharpen social skills,
• are the ground work for debate,
• and sharpen communication skills necessary to relay and convince

The key to arguing your point, be it intellectual or personal, is to:

• clearly and succinctly relay and express your position - addressing one point at a time, 
• control the emotional component to arguments,
• optional (but equally powerful and important):  add some humor or related vignettes, making it easier for listeners to comprehend, internalize and acknowledge  (albeit not necessarily agree with)

As Monty Python so aptly put it:

"An argument is a collective series of statements to establish a definite proposition...it's an intellectual process"

So with the argument clinic behind us, enjoy this Python classic example of argument which  further illustrates its intellectual component as well as provide superb examples of literary devices such as metaphors, alliteration, palindromes, puns and personification:

I realize now that while I was raised by parents who avoided confrontations and as a result tend to shy away from arguments, there is something to be said for them - at least for those arguments whose purpose it is to clarify, expand, explore and define scientific,  intellectual, social, or verbal nuances about the world around us.

There are times though, especially in interpersonal relationships and parenting, when arguments aren't intellectual or humorous.

Dealing with non-intellecutal, non-humorous arguments (to avoid a subsequent fight):

• try to keep an authoritative not authoritarian voice;
• focus on one topic at a time;
• keep the argument concrete - focusing on the issue(s) and not on making personal / emotional judgements - don't name call, curse, or add negative emotions to what should be a discussion;
• when arguing with your child be consistent but add options and compromise opportunities (avoiding power struggles) ;
• take and give time outs where neither side speaks - avoiding saying things that will be regretted, while calming tempers (but don't just walk out or turn a back - explain that you need time to think this out or to cool down);
• acknowledge feelings while disagreeing with positions (it's amazing how far and how important it is to separate feelings from the reality of the situation while validating or at least acknowledging those feelings)
• recognize that there is a difference between fighting and arguing - while fights often involve anger and rarely lead to consent, arguing can be healthy ... cool down fights.

How do you approach arguments? For fun or self-reflection you may want to learn more about your arguing style.  Psychology Today offers a 43 question (20 minute) "Arguing Style Test" and while it is really for arguing with partners rather than with kids, they are informative:

• http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1299 
• An abridged test (10 questions, five min.): http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2982

[Note: I found the first more informative and second link interesting  but not all that insightful.  The positive thing about these tests are that the questions themselves teach better 'arguing']

Let me know what you think - about arguing, how you argue, or your thoughts on these links.

Zero Tolerance for Bullying

neighborhoodlink.com/article/Community/Bullying_Prevention_Program

No argument: There should be ZERO tolerance for bullying.  

The debate is over policy: Zero Tolerance Policies (where ALL acts of bullying result automatically in severe punishment, which in schools usually translates into suspension) sound good. Research, however, indicates it is ineffective at best.

Part of the problem is that Zero Tolerance Polices do not, by definition, incorporate (a) extenuating circumstances; (b) the fact that understanding what lead to the undesirable behavior is essential in determining the most effective responses; or, (c)  the fact that what constitutes "punishment" various from each individual.

Here's one real life example (names have been changed):

Brody hit Charles in the school lunch room.  Brody admits hitting him, tries to explain why - but the Dean, incensed with the action suspends him without an investigation.

But, is life ever that simple?  What did Brody and Charles learn from this?  What did their friends learn?

In truth, the scene above happens all too frequently in schools and is NEVER that simple.

In the above case, Charles began bullying Brody three years before this final incident.  Brody typically would walk away when pushed and berated but not report it because he felt ashamed of being victimized.  On this day in question, after homeroom, Charles again began calling Brody names. Brody walked away and Charles stalked after him.  Other kids observed this but no school personnel took notice.  Brody was a quiet kid, never got into trouble, helped his classmates and was considerate of others. Charles was not liked by others and was often found engaged in verbal arguments.  Charles kept harassing Brody - who kept walking away.  Finally Brody turned to Charles and asked him to leave him alone and stop stalking him.  They were in the lunch room.  Charles pushed Brody, and Brody in desperation punched Charles.  The punch is what the administration saw.  Charles refuted Brody's story (initially) and Brody was suspended. It was only after Brody's mom complained that the school began asking kids what happened and Brody's story was corroborated.

What was gained by the school's action?  Charles' bullying was reinforced - Brody got into real trouble.  Brody became a victim not only of Charles' bullying but of the school administration's blind eye to detail and circumstances.  Other students saw who was reinforced and punished in this scenario and they learned too.

From: psychologytoday.com

Until witnessing this scenario I was a strong proponent of Zero Tolerance policies.  Bullying should not be tolerated - be it physical,verbal, visual or sexual bashing.   In the case above, however, the Zero Tolerance policy reinforced Charles' bullying and further humiliated Brody. Brody should not have fallen victim yet again, and Charles' bullying should not have been reinforced by punishing only Brody (further validating Charles' behavior).

Bottom line:

• There should be no tolerance anywhere for bullying, name calling. harassment of any sort.  
• Bullying begins with words and physical cues and postures.  These words and postures should be the first behaviors addressed when dealing with inappropriate social interactions.  We should not wait for the physical manifestations.
• There must be negative consequences for all harassers and all forms of harassment.
• The first rule, however, of behavior modification is that when punishing someone for any type of act, the punishment has to be perceived to be a punishment by the person receiving said punishment. SO, if a kid likes being alone in a room, sending them to a room for time out as punishment, will not be effective.  Therefore, having predetermined punishments, by definition is not the most effective means of shaping behavior.
• When punishing - make sure you have all the facts before passing judgement.  Realize that getting these facts may take some time.

 Anti-Bullying Suggestions:

• If you see bullying on television or a movie, or read about it in a book, or see it happening in the playground - talk to your child about it.  Talk about how it feels to be a victim, talk about how to defuse a bully, talk about seeking adult help, and talk about NOT being ashamed if it happens to you.

 It doesn't work this way in real life, and bullying is not funny - at all - but it is a nice jumping point to watch scenes like this together and talk about them.

• If your child is being bullied, talk about it.  Empathize with him or her, validate their feelings.  Brainstorm possible solutions explaining that there may not be any quick fixes but making sure your child sees some form of response and consequence.  If this is happening in school, talk to teachers and administrators.  Document the bullying.  Be persistent in checking in with the school and your child.

Some websites you may want to visit:

•  http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/do-we-still-need-pbs-or-has-mister.html
• http://www.popcenter.org/problems/bullying/3 
• http://www.stopbullying.gov/parents/index.html 
• http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html 
• Anti-bullying teacher resources from beatbullying.org 

There are so many forms of bullying (verbal, physical, cyberspace bullying, etc.) that cannot be addressed in one post.  Have you had to deal with bullying?  How have you handled it?

"YES, when..." An Antidote for Parent Child Power Struggles

From networkedblogs.com

In a recent comment I received to one of my posts, as a follower wrote about the hurdles she faces with her two year old who just discovered the power of "no!"  Those of us who have survived the "terrible two's" can look back, smile, and nod knowingly, not missing this particular stage of toddlerhood.

Personally, I loved the terrible two's because each day offered something new.  My approach to the "NO!'s" was to present my kids with a counterbalanced "YES" saving the "NOS" for really important times (from toddlerhood through teenhood, especially through teenhood). Granted, we did have some headbanging, hair tearing, door slamming (teen tantrum), fit throwing moments, but time has kindly wiped most from my memory and we all moved on. Also, because my husband and I are relatively low keyed people, we did not scream, which meant that for the most part, our kids did not scream either. 

The "YES, when" and other "NO!" Counter-balancing Suggestions:

• When their no's are playful, play too. With toddlers, in particular, sometimes their "no's" are more word play than power struggle. Sometimes. When they're playful, reply with your own playful 'laughing' "NOOOOoo"  Laugh, distract them. Chances are, you'll end this with a final yes and hug.
• When their 'no's' are serious, offer alternatives. Look at it as brainstorming and problem solving - two really important skills they need to learn and use. Granted, sometimes there isn't time to analyze, problem solve and brainstorm, but doing it efficiently and effectively ends up saving time in the long run.
• I, personally, am not above some 'cognitive tom-foolery'... Distraction's and key!

• Sometimes instead of "no"  use "OK, but first...."  or "Yes, after..." or "Yes, when..."

The YES rationale: When your child counters a demand/request with "no"-  have a suitable, acceptable alternative handy.  Not only does this "yes" alternative distract and neutralize their "no" - it also encourages them to contemplate alternatives, it models creative problem solving, and it empowers both sides.  It can turn a head-bashing deadlock into a win-win situation.  The challenge is in creating the "YES" alternatives.  For suggestions, some of my previous blog posts may be helpful:

"Options, Shining Opportunities, Opening Worlds at http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/04/options-shining-opportunities-opening.html

"Looking at the World from Another Perspective:  Richard Feynman Style at http://departingthetext.blogspot.com/2011/03/looking-at-world-from-another.html 

YES - Think about this:

• When headed into an argument -  "NO" is a power struggle word... we want to avoid those confrontations and save them for the really important arguments we need to win.  
• Say "YES" with qualifiers ("Yes, when..."  "Yes, but after/before..."  "Yes, but with..."!...)  This way you are teaching them HOW to get what they want while accomplishing and doing what they have to do AND providing often needed structure and limits. 
• Childhood is our opportunity to shape and teach our kids.  Sometimes the best way to do this is to encourage them to take (safe or calculated) risks, and to allow them to learn from mistakes.  So before saying 'NO' ask yourself if this is a mistake you can live with and one they can learn from.  If the answer to this question is 'no' then your response has to be "NO." IF, however, your response to this question is yes or even maybe, look into the NO alternatives.

When you have to say "NO" To Toddlers and Younger Children: There are clear times we have to say "no" to our young children.  These times involve safety issues, and basic essential school and social issues.  Any time the yes/no line is not crystal clear, go to the problem solving, distracting, 'negotiating' alternatives.  For those essential NO's:

• Use them with consistency - no running in the street ever... no running in the house with scissors or knives ever... no hitting other kids...These are always rules - not just sometimes;
• When possible, explain why you are saying no, what the consequences can and will be,  and allow them to brainstorm what might be more acceptable.
• Mean it - we all know the "no" look and body language.
• Offer alternative behaviors, options, and means - this will help them with problem solving and it will help avoid confrontations and power struggles - empower them with acceptable alternatives they can chose from.  This not only teaches positive problem solving, it empowers safe risk taking - something they must learn how to do and navigate throughout their lives.
• Show your kids that it is the action you are against and that you love them. 

And, when you have to say "NO" To Teens:

With teens the YES/NO line is no longer so black and white.  Teenhood is a time of learning and asserting independence; it is a time they have to learn to live comfortably in their own skins and a time when we as parents have to give them a longer rope to live by.  We have to chose these NO's carefully.  Too many no's here will push them further away sooner then either of you are really ready to cut that rope...but consequences to mistakes are greater, which makes this gray area grayer.  Here too ask yourself:  Are the consequences of his/her actions ones I can live with and he/she can learn from?   Take out your scale here and measure both sides and remember to chose your NO's wisely. Failing and mistakes are not always a bad thing - painful, yes, but they can be powerful learning experiences that can serve your teen well.

The bottom line is that we have to pick and chose our yes' and nos'.  How do you balance them?    Please let us all know in your comments!